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Martin Cigarette

Q: Why is China like a compulsive gambler? A: It has Tibet

MONDAY. My friend Danny Hackshaft rings. He’s an international press fluffer at Downing Street, and he’s ‘constructing a forward narrative’. I wouldn’t mind, but Sarah Beeny’s on the telly, bollocking some idiot for trying to do the plasterwork herself. It’s hilarious, I think she might stab her with the trowel in a minute.

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