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Upside down and forward

Ian Martin
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Ian Martin hails a new era of inverted socialism

MONDAY As the euphoria died, the hard work began. Make no mistake, in 2020 (earlier if the Tories over-inflate and burst) our whole world will be turned upside down.

I mean actually turned upside down. Is anyone paying attention? Journalists are so keen to prove that Corbyn’s had Hezbollah round for tea or that he goes on caravan holidays with Russian homophobes, they haven’t even bothered  to read his draft manifesto, which proposes SWAPPING NORTH AND SOUTH POLES.

Obviously the geography will stay where it is. It’s simply a relabelling exercise, part of a wider plan to invigorate New Britain through inversion. It’s a brilliant idea and – full disclosure – it was a great honour for me to have been involved in the idea’s development.

Let’s face it, Britain has seen better days. It really LOOKS like a post-imperial country, all shrunken and withered. Parked on its fat south-east arse, it seems beaten. Diminished, as if it has suffered catastrophic blood loss. Blubbering and dribbling incoherence in the far north-west. Ireland just floating there next to it, pointlessly.

But, turn it upside down and see the difference. Britain now has massive upper body strength, Ireland appears to be flying joyfully back for a bro hug and, most importantly, the Midlands are more or less as they were but transformed into a ‘powerhouse’.  Which is precisely what the region is destined to be when, on completion of the new high-speed railway network, Tamworth once again becomes capital of England. And this time, unlike in the 8th century with everything ‘up the old way’, Tamworth will be located exactly where a heart should be. Of course, an upside-down Britain will seem strange at first, looking ‘west’ to Europe, California being in the Middle East and so on, but we are British. We’ve coped in the past with decimal currency and seat belt laws. Come ON. Here’s to a New Britain with a proper spine, and torso.

TUESDAY People surely can’t be surprised that Corbyn, a Midlands lad himself, is backing Tamworth as the capital of an inverted Britain.

He has been a faithful supporter of the Tamworth League’s struggle over the years, in complete contrast to the lying shit Blair, who promised Mercian sovereignty in 1996 then simply dumped it in a hazmat bin when he became prime minister.

Of course ‘Jerem’* and I go way back to the Roaring Sixties, a couple of feminist grammar school lads on the pull but also deeply committed to a fairer built environment.

Man, those sessions at the local folk club: me on a 12-string and Jerem’s rich baritone belting out classics such as The Poor Old Murdered Plasterer, These Are My Allotment Potatoes, Unregulated Bastard Landlord Blues etc. Happy days.

*The only contraction of his name he will allow. Why the fuck would anyone want to be called ‘Jez’?

WEDNESDAY Complete the masterplan for Tamworth Inter-Regional Trainport. I swear, it’s going to look amazing from the air, all gently glowing through a translucent shell like a giant crab with huge luxury hospitality claws.

My £3 billion ‘Euston of Mercia’ will reconcile the new socialism-with-a-twist with boring old capitalism. Not just a railway station. Very much ‘a place for everyone’.

THURSDAY Now worried I’ve forgotten someone in the Tamworth Super Inter-Regional Trainport masterplan for everyone.

People who want to live within the perimeter of a transport interchange: check. I’ve included a huge iceberg of luxury flats. Those who yearn to work at a railway station, good news: the  Trainport has several ‘office mini-villages’ complete with quaint ‘holiday homes’ designed to look as though they’ve been converted from pubs and manses. And there’s a huge amount of retail, everything from socks to ties.

Who’s been left out of my place for everyone? Driving me mad. I mean, the local community are welcome to come and shop there too…

FRIDAY Got it. DINERS. Completely forgot to mention the 28 chain restaurants included in the masterplan. And to those sarcastic critics who ask how many Burger Kings are required in a single railway station experience I’ll tell you: four.

I say diners. That sounds a bit grand. Eaters, then. The Trainport will be a place for everyone, including eaters.

SATURDAY Five-a-zeitgeist theoretical football. Inverted Regionalism 5, Urban Doughnuttery 0.

SUNDAY Subconsciously support fairness, in the recliner.



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