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Loose fit, long life, low-energy shrug

Ian Martin
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Ian Martin styles an ecological church on Kylie Minogue’s arse

MONDAY A day of moral philosophy and heart-searching. Should we create places that people don’t want to live in? Hm, on balance maybe not.

Perhaps we should simply NOT create places that people don’t want to live in. That might work, ethically, at least. Suppose, though. Suppose we were to create places that people WANTED to live in? As an idea it’s radical, powerful and not necessarily ‘anti-business’. Perfect. I propose we put ‘creating places that people want to live in’ at the heart of the procurement process.

TUESDAY Really quite moved to see my Centre For The Inferred Arts taking shape in one of  Tamworth’s premier cultural quarters. And wow, WHAT a shape it’s taking. From some angles it looks like an undulating sausage. From others, a magnificent golden turd, but in a good way.  Technically it’s an ‘abstract hubbubbloid’ – a sinuous, sensuous membrane quivering around epic space of the most sublime sort. It has been put together using an explosive combination of innovative software, artificial superintelligence and a new material, superbium. Invented by my old friend Beansy the nanofuturologist, superbium can basically do and be whatever you want it to do or be.  This gives the contemporary designer a huge advantage, as I’m sure you can imagine.

The building and its contents are a perfect match. Inside, an eclectic collection of work which pushes at the bounadries of art and perception, allowing the viewer to infer whatever they want. Containing it: a taut, yielding ‘smart condom’ of superbium. Sometimes opaque, sometimes bold giant pixels of primary colours, sometimes the shimmering iridescence of a raven’s wing. Whatever. As all the online art and architecture critics say these days: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

WEDNESDAY Redesign Greece, making it even more historic and picturesque by imposing exactly the sort of bombastic, spiteful reparations endured by Germany after World War One.

THURSDAY Now I know what poor hairdressers have to endure. All those deluded pillocks bringing in their photographs of Victoria Beckham or Louis out of One Direction and saying they want ‘something like that’.

Not long ago, you’d have a concept meeting about a high-density 20-storey residential tower in Woking and the conversation would be about how much ‘aesthetic’ you could smuggle past Old Frank at the council.  Then, in our new post-planning world, clients started slapping down a picture of Chandigarh or something tremendous by Calatrava and asking for cheap versions of that but maximising rentable floorspace.

Recently clients have simply brought in pictures of movie stars and celebrities as a point of departure. I blame myself. Inspired by the skyscraper in Toronto that looks a bit like Taylor Swift’s torso, which was of course inspired by the tower in Madrid that looks like Richard Burton’s jawline, which was in turn inspired by the Beyoncé’s thigh-inspired skyscraper in Melbourne, I designed an ecological church in Berlin based on Kylie Minogue’s arse. But it’s gone beyond a fad into surreal niche madness. One client wants their crappy buy-to-let hutchstack looking like ‘that bit in last week’s Prime Minister’s Question Time where you could see Eric Pickles’ tits wobble’. I’m hoping to persuade Twitter to put an end to it all.

FRIDAY My mate Dusty Penhaligon the conservactionist has been taking a keen interest in the campaign to save a south London building on the grounds that it’s ‘the UK’s gayest old pub’. The combination of historic significance and sexuality is a powerful one, and Dusty is unafraid to simply make things up in his endless quest to save everything built before 1999 from demolition. A threatened cinema in Didsbury has now been rebranded ‘the UK’s oldest Art Deco lesbian picturehouse’. In the pipeline are campaigns to save ‘Cornwall’s oldest bisexual library’, ‘London’s earliest transexual lido’, ‘Birmingham’s second-oldest closeted swimming baths’, ‘Norfolk’s pioneering gender-queer telephone exchange’, ‘Cumbria’s oldest questioning Methodist chapel’ and ‘the Isle of Wight’s earliest sado-masochistic sub-post office’.

SATURDAY Five-a-zeitgeist theoretical football. Style Over Substance 0, Deutschland Über Alles 2 after a pitch invasion, occupation, postponed irony and exciting new business opportunities for architects and others.

SUNDAY Mindfulness in the recliner. Drawn back to the depressing state of things. The piecemeal way government operates,each department obsessed with short-term solutions and minimising risk. If only there was an alternative to this ‘non-joined-up’ approach. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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