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Twirly Atlantis

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Ian Martin gets to grips with sprialling housing costs

MONDAY Design a new agnostic contemplation space for a major retail destination centre, in a certain Arab state that wishes to remain anonymous. I’ve gone for injection-moulded Gothic, which OK is double the average person’s retro calorie intake, but if you can’t comfort-gaze in a shopping centre, what’s the point of life? Yes, that’s certainly something to ponder, isn’t it? And where better than in an injection-moulded Gothic space flooded with natural light and artificial air.

After it’s built, half the contemplation space will be deliberately ruined by professional devastators.  This will significantly enhance the visitor experience, as ruins are known to amplify musings about the human spirit triumphing over the melancholy of an unreachable past.

To be honest, the user experience isn’t a major factor. My clients – it would perhaps be unkind to call them deeply religious debauched autocratic misogynist scumbags – simply want the space to act as a human flytrap for agnostics, so they can arrest them and then lock them up.

And please don’t tell me I have no business working for these people. One of them plays online polo with the Prince of Wales. Another’s been on Top Gear.

TUESDAY All Soho is braced for a week of preening insufferability. The Creative on Sunday has been named Magazine of the Year by the Epic Spatialist Association.

Worse, Darcy Farquear’say and his appalling dachshund Bauhau have jointly won Architectural Writer of the Year for their stupid Woof Over Your Head column, in which Darcy giggles about some new building, pretending to be Bauhau. All Bauhau has to do is remain continent while his picture’s taken.

Just looking at them in their matchy-matchy hip-hop lamé coatigans makes me want to heave. ‘This award is really for the readers, who like us simply adore epic space…’ ‘Rrrak!’ ‘Thanks to everyone who voted, it’s terribly humbling…’ ‘Yupyup!’ ‘I like to think we bring a new international style not only to architectural criticism but to the PRESENTATION of that criticism…’ Oh ha ha whoops! Bauhau’s style is suddenly incontinental.

WEDNESDAY What’s the biggest problem faced by innovators and revolutionaries?  Thieving bastard copycats. You’ve got a limited amount of time before someone nicks your idea and makes a fortune.

That’s why I’m helping my mate Beansy the nanofuturologist to finalise some deals quickly to exploit neogen – the intelligent self-replicating supergas that’s better than oxygen and can bend the laws of physics.

Neogen autosynthesises so fast that an asthma inhaler’s worth can fill the Louvre in 20 minutes. It’s an inspiring thought that neogen may serve the arts in this way. Our beta run at the Louvre demonstrably increased the alertness of the punters, who absorbed art 17 per cent more quickly and spent nearly 20 per cent above average in the gift shop. Neogen also sharpens the appetite.  The Louvre canteen did a roaring trade, and ran out of baguettes by half past ten!

THURSDAY Beansy and I are a bit worried that a certain Japanese construction company could discover the formula for neogen and replicate it for its innovative Twirly Atlantis project.

Twirly Atlantis proposes bypassing spiralling housing costs by creating an alternative and actual housing spiral, fixed to the ocean floor, with individual affordable flatpods all joined up together like frogspawn.  The one flaw in the Twirly Atlantis theory is this old-fashioned idea of creating power with ‘methane-producing micro-organism factories’. What? Wake up, Japanese innovators. Where do you think you are, some trippy 1970s sci-fi cartoon?

Idiots. As ever, attack is the best form of defence, which is why we’re nicking their inhabited spiral idea and filling it with neogen. It’s the perfect gas, so much better than micro-organic methane. As well as being Wi-Fi enabled, capable of producing clean electricity and self-aware without being completely ‘up itself’, it doesn’t smell of amoeba farts.

FRIDAY Push skateboarding forward yet again by allowing the transgressive nature of ‘street skating’ to shape the municipal skate park I’m designing in full compliance with health and safety.  That obviously makes it ‘lamer’ so I put in some landmines, but that will mean it’s STRICTLY NO ADMITTANCE so they’ll have to break-and-enter ‘streetwise’. I hope everyone’s happy.

SATURDAY Five-a-zeitgeist theoretical football. Low Fidelity Cultural Reconciliation 0, High Linear Equity Boosterism 2.

SUNDAY Spatial contemplation in the recliner. Slightly disturbed at horizontal massing, so reconfigure entire form down the pub.

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