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Ian Martin: You must memorialise this

Ian Martin
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How do you know that my ‘clumsy architectural vision’ wasn’t supposed to upset you?

MONDAY Redesign the future, giving it a dark, ‘neuro-Gothic’ feel. Does ‘neuro-Gothic’ sound unpatriotic? Decide to keep my thoughts to myself.  

TUESDAY My latest local authority-‘led’ regentrification scheme will painlessly euthanise a 1,200-home estate and replace it with nearly 6,000 microflats. These vital investment packages for private buyers will ease the pressure in the help-to-buy-up-the-right-to-buy-to-let-to-claim-to-help-to-buy market. Everyone benefits. 

So why did the council admit that there would be ‘poor doors’? Why on earth would you announce that ‘affordable’ types, or even worse, social housing tenants, will have to use separate entrances to keep them away from Alpha Residents? Unacceptable. 

Those who live modestly are, we assume, sickened by the decadent lifestyles of rich people, with their ‘skinny smoothies’ (?) and care regimes for beards. That’s why I’ve insisted on specifying ‘posh doors’, so Affordables may give them a wide berth. 

We need compassion in – not ‘human farming’ obviously, that’s a horrible thought, but you know what I mean. Humane streaming, free range accommodation, natural selection – not that, obviously. Something. 

WEDNESDAY My new strategy for dealing with difficult building users – Pluralise & Fudge – has been inspired by the government’s bold and shameless Brexit negotiators.

Whatever the complaint, I am now telling everyone: ‘we will look at ways this could be tackled’. Also, I now have an excellent name for a stripped-out, overpriced cake and coffee shop. 

When they come for the small, indie memorials, I suppose you’ll just look the other way

THURSDAY Sickened by the clamour of clueless opportunists criticising my genocide memorial. ‘Oh no, it’s in entirely the wrong place,’ they say, in their tremulous, squeaky voices. ‘But we’ve already got one genocide memorial, do we really need another?’ and ‘Seriously, that is fucking hideous!’ Let me take these points in order:

1. How can a genocide memorial be ‘in the wrong place’? There is no ‘wrong place’. You might just as well say that victims of genocide were ‘in the wrong place’. Is that what you’re saying? That certain categories of people, certain building types need to know their place? Wow. Let’s face it, this is more about you being an arsehole than my memorial being in the wrong place. Which by the way is a public park in Tamworth, where the hostile surfaces and awkward landscaping will deter skateboarders. Or perhaps you think skateboarders outrank genocide victims, somehow. Again: arsehole.

2. How are we calibrating ‘too many’ genocide memorials? Per thousand people within a given radius? Density per hectare? Distance between memorials? You’re happy with genocide remembrance being restricted to a few mainstream memorial delivery systems, are you? When they come for the small, indie memorials, I suppose you’ll just look the other way. OK. Your conscience. You genocide memorial erasure-enabling bastard.

3. Oh, the aesthetics of my – hello – GENOCIDE MEMORIAL upset you? Well, you know what’s more upsetting than ‘bad design’? Exactly. That’s why there’s a memorial, nitwit. Anyway, how do you know that my ‘clumsy architectural vision’ wasn’t supposed to upset you? If you’re looking for soothing genocide memorials why not simply buy yourself a comfortable pair of moccasins? 

Bah. I will eradicate my enemies via social media. I’ve contracted a ruthless and relatively inexpensive Russian dark-web ‘botnik’ to smear them all with damaging lies. That may sound harsh, but there’s no place for genocide memorial denial in a civilised society. 

FRIDAY I am shocked and disappointed by a surprise court verdict which obliges me to pay an undisclosed sum to a client because of a ‘ballooning budget’. 

Yes, I organised the half-day Virgin Blimps excursion with luxury hamper and sexy butler. I thought it would be a ‘fun’ way to get an overview of the proposed hotel site. Obviously I expected my client to pick up the tab – it was a working luxury blimp flight and my time as an animateur of epic space is fully chargeable, however much champagne is quaffed from a plastic flute.

Still, I plead guilty as charged. I had a duty to exercise reasonable care and skill in my professional performance. Therefore I should never have accepted a cheapskate, humourless teetotaller as a client. In my defence, his travel sickness wasn’t disclosed until it was far too late. 

SATURDAY Halloween party at the Institute of Plasmic Arts. Everyone has the same idea. Wear a suit and say you’re a zombie developer who’s ‘recently regenerated’. Poor.  

SUNDAY Skype dark-web botnik in the recliner.

Epic Space, an anthology of Ian Martin’s columns for the AJ, is published by Unbound

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