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Looking forward to 2010 with some friends and acquaintances

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ISIS DE CAMBRAY. As a leading spiritual consultant, psychic counsellor and magic arborealist, I say to the impending 2010: Namaste, bienvenue, welcome. It will be an auspicious year. I have had my auspicions for some time now, and a glance at my Vibe Matrix confirms everything. There will be radiance and an upturn in workload, though some bipolarity will persist. I have just written this architectural haiku. *Sigh*. Enjoy.

Bad Feng Shui falls, a shadow.
All is dark within.
Our passages are blocked up.

DUSTY PENHALIGON. What will 2010 bring? As a conservactionist, I couldn’t give a toss as I am really only interested in buildings up to about 1997. Coincidentally, that was the last time we had a Conservative government. You’d think there would be an affinity between conservactionists and conservatives but, to be honest, modern Conservatives are rubbish, like everything else these days. My hopes for next year include blowing up Finsbury Health Centre when it’s sold to Richard Branson and putting the Thames Corridor back the way it was before Henry the Eighth started mucking about with bloody everything.

TUB HAAGENDAS. I do not ‘look forward’ to a year in a linear, reversednostalgia way. Why? Because I am a genius, revolutionary, auteur, swimmer, masterplanner, thinker - all tightly packed into one long, tense body. I predict that 2010 will be The Generic Year: a sprawling, chaotic experiment. I see the future very much as a gigantic inhabited sphere placed precariously at the edge of an absurd, bankrupt floating metropolis in Dubai. In other words, perhaps, perhaps not. My ‘resolution’? Very high, densely pixellated.

DOROTHY BUNGHAM. As minister for the minor arts, including architecture and hairdressing, I am enormously
proud of the respect in which British craftspeople are held throughout the world. Let’s be clear. No country in the world can match the inventiveness, skill, energy and sheer chutzpah of British architects/hairdressers.
I have tremendous admiration for both professions simultaneously in order to conserve valuable time.

Whether I am addressing the Royal Institute for the Protection of British Architects or the Royal Incorporation of Hairdressers, I say this: Stop. Sentences containing just one word introduce a sense of drama. And without drama, how are we to engage? To communicate? To synergise the talents of those who produce such marvellous buildings and hairdos with those who live in them? Without drama, what is there? A platitude. A cliché. And a platitude, ladies and gentlemen, butters no parsnips.

2010 promises to be an interesting year. Not just for hairdressers and architects but for politicians. We face a period of change and upheaval. The ebb and flow of history affects us all. This is what I told the Royal Historical Institute last week. It holds true today. The challenges facing us are clear. Not opaque. Not frosted. Clear.

The local hairdresser striving for excellence in his or her community. The humble architect redefining his or her local environment. Two professionals. One community. Though this community may be composed of several interacting communities. We are not in North Korea. Or Kensington!

After that short pause for laughter, I would like to say this. Landmark buildings. Iconic haircuts. Both need to be anchored in the comprehensive and efficient delivery of a quality service to the needs of local people. I repeat, needs. Let me also repeat for effect, people. Professionals have a duty to seek out and understand what those local needs are. Not what the professionals reckon the people want. Not guesswork. Evidence. Let’s be clear.

I look forward to working closely with hairdressers and architects in 2010, certainly for the first four months or so anyway. We must build on success. Whether we are crimping hair or space, we must aim higher. Not lower. Not there. Or thereabouts. Higher. Clearer. Thank you.

AMY BLACKWATER. I’m an extreme green activist and throughout 2010 will be inviting architects to FUCK OFF as you are MURDERING THE PLANET with your FASCIST CARBON DIOXIDE.

DARCY FARQUEAR’SAY. As epic space correspondent of the Creative on Sunday, I hope 2010 will be a year of
reconciliation and forgiveness. If architecture teaches us anything, it’s that mistakes can last a long time. We should stop sulking and meet up for a drink. P.S. My adorable dachshund Bauhau sends his ‘wuff ‘. He’s looking VERY Christmassy in his jingle-bell taffeta ribbon and festive trilby. X


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