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How I very nearly moved myself to tears with my own genius

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Ian Martin is overcome by the sheer emotional power of his work

MONDAY. I’ve been asked by the Church Commissioners to rationalise their property portfolio, again.

I did all this once before in the 1980s with my two-stage ‘ecclesiastical investment vision’. It was swiftly and ruthlessly implemented. My first vision proposition was to monetise the Church of England’s premium units – St Paul’s Cathedral, for instance – by charging all atheists an entrance fee. 

My second vision proposition was to sell any valuable space adjoining these premium units – Paternoster Square, say – to dead-eyed, bloodsucking commercial philistine bastards. Correction: to forward-looking urbanist developers seeking an appropriate architectural style and prepared to listen to all voices in the public debate, especially those weird, high-pitched voices inside the Prince of Wales’ head squeaking on about ‘homeopathic Classicism’ and ‘the humane curve’.

But now what? Today all the good sites formerly under Anglican purview are owned by hedge funds, or Wahhabist playboys. I need a five-point plan by the end of the week.

TUESDAY. It’s not often I’m overcome by the sheer emotional power of my own work, but today I am speechless with self-admiration.

I have – and suddenly I find I am holding back tears – ‘imbued architecture with the intricacy and beauty of natural forms’. Furthermore, I have generated ‘a sequence of dynamic spaces carved from the fascinating interplay between architecture and nature’.

Then I remember that the building’s just a showroom for posh bathroom products in Chelsea Harbour, and pull myself together.

WEDNESDAY. Morning: think ‘beyond the pylon’ by imagining downloadable electricity.

Afternoon: think ‘outside the matrix’ by imagining a ‘hologramorphic building information system’. It would combine architectural drawings, the ‘semantic web’ and a little bit of magic to create a 3D, 1:1 scale representation of any imagined building. You can wander around it in a weird hat and a pirate beard if you want, who cares? Invite your mates in, have a cocktail reception in the simulated space; it’s only a hologramorphic building information system. It’s NOT REAL YOU MUPPET.

Evening: think ‘over the curve’ by imagining a capsule wardrobe for a nano-bedsit.

What an exhausting, innovative day. Before turning in I register patents online for the Leccy App™ the SIMBIM™ and the MollyCule™.

THURSDAY. Fascinating colloquium at the pub chaired by Rock Steady Eddie the fixer. We all earnestly discuss possible redesigns for the global economy.

Man, there are a lot of conversations like this taking place in the art and design world these days aren’t there? Nobody’s making art or designing anything much any more (it’s technically illegal under the Coalition’s Austerity Laws) so everyone’s pitching a remodelled market system instead.

We’re all after the same things in the end. Justice, freedom and dependable sources of fee income. Planners want a steady 9 to 5, architects want three or four major jobs a year, surveyors want a packed nine months of high earning so they can go on prohibitively expensive cricket tours abroad with the Barmy Army and pretend they’re geezers.

As for our new economic prototypes, it’s mostly arguing about wall finishes and curtains. Nobody wants to tear it all down and start again. Eddie summarises: ‘I’ll tell you what makes the world go round. Inertia.

‘There’s just too much fannying about involved in changing the system, innit. People can’t be arsed. I mean Blimey O’Reilly, you know what it’s like trying to sort out bleeding broadband. Imagine having to change your capitalism provider. You finishing those chips?’

FRIDAY. Hallelujah. My five-point plan for the Church Commissioners is ready at last. Fingers crossed.

Basic Holy Communion to remain free at the point of delivery, though with opportunity to avoid delays and sermons in new Communion Lounges.

New planning law of ‘Babel rights’ to allow little Waitroses, boutique housing etc to be built on top of parish churches.

Buy-to-let almshouses.

Admission to historic buildings via tokens purchased from private sector ‘gamechangers’ sitting at special ‘non-overturnable’ tables. 

Principle of ‘sanctuary’ to be revived but with small charge for anti-capitalist protesters playing off-ground touch with the police.

SATURDAY. Five-a-zeitgeist theoretical football. Pathetic Fallacy 1, Emphatic Delusion 0 after extra time and passive-aggressive crowd noises.

SUNDAY. Catch up with my filing. There’s an interesting new report on human rights that lists China, Iran and Burma as the three most oppressive regimes in the world. File under ‘emerging markets’.

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