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The punctuated space race has only just begun

Ian Martin updates his twitter bio

MONDAY. Are we about to enter a new Space Age? There’s certainly a ‘buzz’ in the upper architectural atmosphere.

Private shuttle companies are scrambling to cash in on the lucrative ‘round the world in eight minutes’ tourism boom. Orbiting shops can’t be far behind: throughout history trade has flourished alongside human pathways. Meanwhile, a decommissioned space shuttle is paraded through the streets of LA looking like a sleek urban restaurant on wheels.

TUESDAY. Whoa, and now there’s been a record-breaking ‘space jump’. It was a long way to come down, and it’s a long way to build up. The internet’s thrashing with entrepreneurs talking about 24 mile-high licensed freefall corridors of opportunity.

Memo To Self: watch that space.

WEDNESDAY. Been looking forward to this conference for contemporary visionaries for weeks. ‘Beyond The Boundaries Of Epic Space:
The Challenge Of New Colonised Worlds!’

The proposition was thrilling enough, but the exclamation mark totally clinched it. Not for the first time I reflect on what a gullible pillock I am.

Colonised worlds. I assumed it would be all about bending the vastness of space to our humane yet aggressively expansionist will. The infinite possibilities for ‘pop-up spaces & places’ in an expanding universe makes the future there look a lot more promising for plasmic artists such as yours truly than it looks here on Earth at the moment.

I’m thinking low-gravity social housing say on the dark side of the Moon, high-end apartment complexes on the bit facing us, with breathtaking panoramic views and a robot concierge service. Perhaps there’ll be tips on the promising Martian boutique retail destination market from keynote speakers in retro-chic aluminium foil spacesuits.

Maybe at the end of the day following workshops and afternoon tea there’ll be an ‘interplenary session’ discussing the prospect of astral hubs throughout the Milky Way, enabling us to nebulise the fractal possibilities of the cosmos, or whatever. Something with a theremin soundtrack, definitely.

But no. It turns out that’s not what this conference is about AT ALL. This conference is about the correct DEPLOYMENT OF COLONS in correspondence, brand development and corporate propaganda ‘for marketing yourself and the services you deliver’. New colonised
world all right. New colonised world of BOLLOCKS.

Summary: why use a single colon when you can use two and look twice as plugged-in? A succession of deadly dull experts, gormless combovers, bullshitting PR hacks and graphic design tossers clang on and on, all the way to lunch. ‘One day in the not-too-distant future…’ says one spam-faced cipher ‘…the lasting impact of the double colon will be acknowledged. Its legacy in the world of environmental artistry will be as profound as that of the double helix in the field of genetics’.

Apparently that ‘+’ sign still popular as a posh link in architects’ company names is so over. Apparently ‘joined-up practice’ now merely requires a sequence of surnames in italic. Apparently a single colon is no good either. Apparently it reminds everyone of those Days of Delusion presided over by the gaunt-faced lying shit Blair, which were themselves extended by an economic colon and then terminated with an economic full stop.

Yeah ‘apparently’ the hot new thing is the Double Colon Revival. Like everything else, it’s a retread of the original. What IS new is this :: you use it instead of every single :: and I mean every single :: punctuation event ::

THURSDAY. still cross about the stupid double colon conference yesterday but finding it very difficult to resist the trope :: especially now I have decided to put everything in lower case :: everything except I of course :: in the epic space game you must respect the personal pronoun :: ego is very important :: also an upper case I looks like an elegant skyscraper with a piazza at one end and a green roof at the other ::

FRIDAY. update my twitter bio to read :: spatial masterchef :: dreamkindler :: habitateur :: civic imagineer :: planning overmantler :: iconoclasticist :: form conjuror :: no job too small ::

SATURDAY. well :: if my enhanced status as a double colon pathfinder is to be measured in spiteful jokes and open derision I would say it has been a tremendous success ::

SUNDAY. colonise the recliner :: I don’t know if this pretension will last :: only space-time will tell ::

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