Ian Martin
One man's journey into architecture, with fellow travellers Dusty Penhaligon, architecture critic Darcy Farquear'say, RIPBA president Dame Helen Button, magic arborealist Isis de Cambray and HRH Prince CharlesIan Martin columns
The name of the game may have changed, but it’s still musical chairs for space-parcellists
Ian Martin redefines the London property development game
An ambitious plan to twin Tamworth and Los Angeles is put to the test
Ian Martin Road-tests the beta version of the iPad 5
Airbrushing people from the landscapes of the past to create a retro-chic version of the future
Ian Martin shouts ‘yay!’ at the mention of the Olympics
I ghost the comeback of HRH The Phantom Menace, and experience a brand new Shardenfreude
Ian Martin is the Prince of Wales’ ghost
A journey into epic cyberspace, and the branding of a hipster skyscraper
Ian Martin redesigns the internet
The struggle to reclaim public space in the interests of corporate freedom
Ian Martin reframes public space in the minds of the British people
Recalibrating the Olympic legacy, recalculating the Ally Palacy
Ian Martin brainstorms some disaster icons
Known core givens, unknown core givens and an imaginary conversation
Ian Martin pretends to write a blockbuster thriller – Forced Perspective
How heavy is your urban landscape? Also, what gender is it?
Ian Martin becomes envious of Isis de Cambray
A new age dawns with the advent of the Royal Institute for the Pop-Uption of British Architects
Ian Martin redesigns Liverpool and Battersea
The life, times and misdemeanours of Augustus Pugin, in the style of fossilised music hall
Ian Martin says hello to Bauhau the dachshund
The importance of having a conscience, and the obligation to keep it properly landscaped
Ian Martin says à bientôt to Darcy Farquear’say
How the transformative power of art can turn a northern wilderness into a dessert
Ian Martin browses the pudding menu
An outsider’s view of the royal re-boot, and a tentative proposal for an atheist cathedral
Ian Martin texts the royals
A list of most righteous grievances, and an artful remodelling of hearts and minds
Ian Martin stands up for the 3D community
A pop-up bubble bursts, a death foretold in blue ironwork, and a grumpy app
Ian Martin designs a Tomb for Thatcher
Seasonal greetings from some key WOMEN of Epic Space, for a bloody change
Ian Martin touches his feminine side
A bold plan by a ‘metarchitect’ to map the world cloaks a much more sinister agenda
Ian Martin: imagining life beyond the colon
Curating the past, hating the present, and berating the future
Ian Martin will not be curating next year’s Tamworth Biennale
Getting the country back on its feet, and the profession back on its pedestal
Ian Martin invents the design, build, stand and deliver procurement system
Assorted mosques, and a luxury boutique world-class access space
Ian Martin delivers adjunctive elevation
Getting a brand new brand, and trying to identify a new identity
Ian Martin thinks in a whole new font
Ian Martin's speech at the launch of The Coalition Chronicles
I’m 58 years old and standing on a chair…I love a crowd when I don’t know many people. It’s more exciting.
Top 10...Facebook groups
1. Robin Hood Gardens Hedge Fund Investors2. Baggy Urban Zoomorphs Rule3. Pre-Modernism Rocks The House4. Olympics - Yay!5. Second Home Self-Builders With Attitude6. We've Been To Siena And Sketched In A Straw Hat7. Architects and Planners for Justice in Pimlico8. Absorbing The Gherkin9. Freemasons Facebook Lodge10. I Studied For Seven Years So Why The Fuck Do I Earn Less Than A Vet?
Top 10...Client Complaints
1. 'Finished building looks smaller than in original daydream'2. 'Architect not wearing traditional frock coat'3. 'Houseguests less glamorous than in brochure'4. 'Now we've moved in, turns out to be in wrong part of country'5. 'Wanted double Georgian garage not lecture on aesthetics'6. 'Cost overrun very dramatic but with no clear narrative'7. 'Channel 4 uninterested, despite huge financial outlay'8. 'Thought contextual restraint meant yachting wire or ...
Top 10...London smells
1. Incontinental Europe.2. Atomised milky coffee.3. Conservative pheromones.4. Tubed human meatloaf.5. Kerosene with herbal essences.6. Wafting, melancholy gastropub.7. Guilty fag breath.8. Concessionary chip fat.9. Blocked fear.10. Simmering line managers enthused with garlic.
Top 10...Architectural jellies
1. Miniature Millennium Bridge.2. Sydney harbour, with wafers.3. Recession-moulded City of London.4. Wobbling New Delhi.5. Green jelly earth with bitter fondant eulogy.6. Tower of Trifle.7. Model City of Bath in aspic.8. Royal jelly Poundbury.9. Saudi Arabian lubricating jelly airbase.10. Naked Will Alsop moulded by Lucian Freud.
Top 10...Eco-Towns
1. High Purberley2. Greenham Conyers3. Sustainby Neuterall4. Glazing-upon-Glazing5. Burbish6. Spralling7. Greywater Butts8. Compellinghampton9. Reuseable Bagshot10. Smugby.
Top 10...Richard Rogers' Lordly gripes
1. Urban Task Force still ignored despite rhetoric.2. Terminal 5 now carrying too much cultural baggage.3. Suburbia remains ghastly...4. ...AND in breach of recent Guardian article guidelines.5. Food today too fast.6. Planners today too slow.7. Too few pompous shits at heart of decision-making.8. New communities developing sense of place, belonging and identity despite incorrect design.9. Nowhere civilised enough in Thames Gateway to have lunch.10. ...
Top 10...Items on Frank Gehry's 'To Do' List
1. Print out rendering of new office block.2. Take printout to Hall of Mirrors, photograph reflection.3. Feed crazy distorted image back into aeronautical design program, hit the 'make this happen' button.4. Print out new rendering, send to client with invoice.5. Punch LA Times critic in face.6. Fix 'seemingly random' meeting with Russian oligarch.7. Identify appropriate ass in Hove.8. Kick ass all the way to goddam Brighton.9. Articulate 'chaotic' ...
Top ten...Kevin McCloud Moments
1. Sceptical frown in beanie. 2. Quizzical pout in hard hat. 3. Chuckling at timetable. 4. Conspiratorial whispering in deserted Italian kitchen. 5. Facial paralysis after saying 'gosh'. 6. Squinting at recalcitrant German roof. 7. Caressing seasoned oak beam with faraway gaze. 8. Shimmy of head as 'spontaneous thought' occurs. 9. Sighing, forgetting to breathe in again, passing out. 10. Asking 'but will it...work?' then getting hit in face ...
Top Ten...Youtube Clips
1. Igloos melting to a poignant soundtrack.2. Menacing Russian cartoon featuring dancing skyscrapers.3. Armed charrette at University of Pennsylvania.4. Wind turbines apparently chatting to each other in Swedish.5. Original World Trade Center under reconstruction in Second Life.6. Man being eaten by interactive carpet.7. Freak weather battering the Scottish coast, then deep-frying it.8. Homeless people dancing for soup in Poundbury.9. Frank Gehry ...
Top 10...gay spaces
1. The William Morris Pink House. 2. Senior Consenting Room, Fingersmiths College. 3. The Dancing Bear prosthetic nightclub, Soho. 4. Lawrence of Arabia suite with walk-in closet, Burj Dubai. 5. Sub-prime non-dom housing, Queens, NYC. 6. Rufus Wainwright's dressing room. 7. Dorothy Cottage, Wordsworth, Cumbria. 8. Anything indoors in Brighton. 9. Pre-booked pod on The London Queer Eye.10. Your scrupulously tidy study.
Top 10...pencils
1. The Graphito by Banksy & Banksy.2. Stubby Lines' Doodlebug Pro.3. Suzuki left-handed mechanical in B Minor.4. The Böring Seminar Bullet Point.5. Zaha Stiletto Space Probe 3000.6. Fair Trade natural unpainted cedar pencil with pretend carbon.7. The 2B Hamlet Soliloquy.8. The Blairwrite Memo with sneery, retractable point.9. Tarantino HB 5mm with smooth-barelled fixed eraser and ass-cap popper.10. Wooden stylus dipped in own blood.
Top 10...Designer toilets
1. The Herzog and de Meuron close-coupled Europan.2. Wayne Hemingway's Flush Hurry.3. The Renzo Piano Urban Macerator.4. Studio Libeskind Biomass Exodus.5. Ceramic Shitpod on tubular steel legs by Will Alsop.6. Norman Foster's Effluvium Overlord.7. The Vitrinius Vitruvio Latin Commodium by Quinlan Terry.8. Converted K8 phone box at bottom of garden.9. The Calatrava Cable-Stayed Passing Place.10. Personal reed bed.
