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Seasonal greetings from some key WOMEN of Epic Space, for a bloody change

Ian Martin touches his feminine side

MOLLY BISMUTH, RIPBA. Here’s to a happy and prosperously pop-up new year, dudes!

Maintaining a strong voice for the profession in these most unbodacious times will be top of my pop-up to do list, trust. Keeping myself pop-up to date on all aspects of intermingling shit, examples: pop-up music, pop-up housing, pop-up economics. I be flagging up that shit also in meetings with pop-up clients and pop-up civil servants. A revived, popped-up Royal Institute will be a top pop-up priority.

On a personal note, I be dropping a new BBC3 showcase for the very best of new British architecture called What UP! Be bless, yo.

ISIS DE CAMBRAY. 2011 has been a tremendously challenging year for magic arborealists. Since the global horticultic crash, designers of bespoke mystical gardens have seen an alarming increase in the demand for their services.

To my bespoke and mystical mind this recognition of magic arborealism is great news for the human race. It is NOT evidence of the latest fad among a capitalist elite suffering from ennui and turning languidly to the opulent model of Versailles. Rather, it is evidence of the enduring strength of the human spirit.

For what does a private ornamental garden represent if not a collective public mood of defiance? I look forward to a busy 2012. Commissions include a sculpted superholding in the Cotswolds with contemporary swards, a moral maze, a ‘smart avenue’, tasting gardens and a ha-ha, best of luck to you all. 

ZSA ZSA HAGRID. Next year will be especially fragmented. My gorgeous team of philosophers/software auteurs, dressed in retro corduroy trousers and tank tops, have been working for months on a new architectural theory/computer program.

This will be ready early in the new year and I can assure all my fans it will make parametricism look like Etch-A-Sketch! You see, if I have no sense of humour, why would I commission that joke from my in-house team of obedient, anorexic hipsters and then deploy it? Next year, my jokes will be a series of words, or nodes, linked by vertiginous synaptic tissue. Gesundheit! And a Happy New Year!

THE DUCHESS OF CORNWALL. Hi. I bet you’re thinking, ‘What’s this raddled old bird doing, addressing British architects? Hasn’t she got a magazine to flick through, or some curtains to order?’

Which in my view simply exposes the male-dominated institutionalised prejudices of the British architectural profession. Well bollocks to you, frankly. Instead of patronising me, what about a smidgen of GRATITUDE?

They say that behind every great man there’s someone like me in a tweed skirt: correct. Perhaps you’ve not noticed that my husband the Prince of Wales has been holding his mud for YONKS now on the subject of architecture? That’s because yours truly has been directing his pent-up animus into jigsaws and gardening.

Next year, unless I’m shown a bit of bloody respect, I will release my grip and allow him to rediscover his zeal for symmetry, proportion and lime mortar. You have been warned. Merry Christmas.

AMY BLACKWATER. As a young, ultra-environmental activist in a balaclava, I would like to address the issue of seasonal goodwill by arguing strongly against it, with violence if necessary.

Seriously, how can architects even THINK about ‘Christmas in the family house’ when so many in the world don’t celebrate Christmas and certainly couldn’t afford even the cheap copies of Eames chairs the fascist architects of the West surround themselves with vile ‘jazz’ in. And don’t tell me I’ve misplaced a preposition DADDIO, I’m NOT LISTENING.

2012 will see an escalation of my campaign to blow up all buildings which obstruct the revolution, from draft notes to an angry new blog: BAH-BOMB-BUG.COM.

SUZI TOWEL. As chair of the so-called ‘2012 vibe cabinet’ charged with delivering excitement about a fantastic legacy plus of course the actual Games themselves not forgetting our marvellous paralympians I will be looking forward with huge excitement to the OLYMPICS (yay) while at the same time of course mindful of the necessary compromises that have had to be made whether it be in the quality of the architecture or whether it be in the quality of the management and instead looking forward together in national pride and beyond to possibly chairing a so-called ‘legacy disposal unit’ which would be an honour to serve on my diary’s pretty free and now Lord Coe would like to say a few words…

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